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healed_by_him
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Name: kristi
Birthday: 7/28/1984
Expertise: organizing chaos, being medical, traveling the world, screening phone calls, avoiding subjects, whistling tunes, making up songs, drinking foreign coffee, and being healthy.
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/24/2005
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i miss writing. and Jesus. and california. and playing pool.
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| it's been a long week. really, a long month. wait...when was the last time i was on this thing? it's been a long 3 months, or whatever. i've been overwhelmed lately by all that God has been trying to teach me. i'm obsessed with john 14 and colossians 3. words keep floating in my head...compassion, brokenness, burdens, peace. in colossians 3, paul gives us a list of all these things to take off (anger, obscenities, etc.) and a list of things to put on (kindess, humility, compassion). we're told over and over to bear each other's burdens, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, pray without ceasing, sharpen each other as iron sharpens irons, love each other with the love of the Lord, comfort one another, and weep over the sins of the nations. i've only begun to scratch the surface of all this means for me, but this week has certainly shed new light on what compassion and brokenness really is. i've been faced with 3 situations this last week, and have found myself weeping with tears i didn't even know i had. not the kind of tears that come when i hurt myself, or when someone hurts my feelings. but the kind of tears that come from somewhere sacred. for the first time i remember, i found myself weeping for the situations of others. i don't have anything profound to say....i'm just learning that repentance is being broken for your own sins, and compassion is more than sympathy...its brokenness over the sins of others. maybe crying for others doesn't help the situation, but it has certainly given me a new light on who Jesus really is. on a much lighter note, God is doing something new and exciting. i'm taking this time to treasure things in my heart and to learn about wisdom and discernment and even discretion. silence and accountability are beautiful things, and i'm loving every moment. in the end, i believe God has an incredible plan, one that no one knows or understands, not even me. i'm excited to discover His steps for my life with an amazing family by my side. so we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author
and perfector of our faith, who for the
joy set before Him, endured His the
cross, scorning its shame, and sat
down at the right hand of God.
Hebrews 12:2 | | |
| i am such a child.
i can broadcast my age, color my gray hair, and wear peep-toe heels, but the fact remains: i am not as grown up as i thought i was. i have my opinions and my monthly bills and my list of "important" things to do, but in some areas, i suppose i am just as childish today as i was 15 years ago.
i throw fits. silly ones. not the kind with stamping feet and yelling--i've grown out of those. the problem these days is the other kind. the kind where i turn my nose up and walk away, determined to end up right.
and these fits always involve God.
always.
i've known about my attitude problem for a while. my perspective has narrowed and i have come across these things that have been a bit off, and yet i chose to ignore them.
the Lord began to work on my pride and my humility several months ago. i thought He had finished. until i found myself fighting God on the smallest of things and i couldn't understand why.
until now.
i didn't get what i wanted. God chose His ways instead of mine, and, like a 4 year old, i'm angry about it. still. not the kind of anger where i yell and throw things and kick puppies, but the kind of anger where i decide i'm going to deprive God of things that belong to Him...in hopes of "teaching" Him a lesson. and after a year, i'm beginning to realize that i deprived myself of blessings He wanted to give me.
so, i find myself revisiting yesterday. it isn't quite as nice as i remembered...its more complicated now. i'm older and more cynical and wiser to the darkness that still remains inside of me.
but i think i figured out what He meant by this:
He said to them, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, to whom
you sent me to present your petition, says: 'If you stay in this land, I
will build you up and not tear you down; I
will plant you and not
uproot you, for I am grieved over the disaster I
have inflicted on
you.
Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do
not be
afraid of him, declares the LORD, for I am with you and will save
you
and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion
so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.'
Jeremiah 42:9-12
i was never more committed to the Lord and to all He asked of me than i was a year ago. and i'm beginning to understand what He was doing and where, exactly, He was asking me to stay.
in some ways, i obeyed. i didn't move.
but in the more important ways, i walked away in utter disobedience.
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| it was a long time ago that i met evil for the first time. i didn't
recognize it at first...until it was too late. since that day, i've
wondered where innocence goes when it is lost. is it like the sock in
the dryer? somewhere in the universe, is there a tub of matchless
socks next to a tub of stolen innocence? perhaps.
but, perhaps
not. perhaps innocence is never fully lost, only dimmed a bit when
evil comes around. perhaps the blood of Jesus is the key to restoring
what i thought was gone. perhaps grace really is sufficient.
there comes a time when we must all face the dark memories of
yesterday...but there also comes a time when we must stand up and turn
on the light in order to disperse them. if those things are a
foreshadowing of what it is like to be without grace, then i'll take a
lifetime of memories with some grace to absolve the pain.
there is something beautiful about not being worthy...about being desperate. behind me are all the reasons of why Jesus should spend
His time on someone else. but that is what makes grace so addicting: death is deserved, yet life is found. it wasn't a secret, Jesus knew ahead of time all that i would encounter...and He could have chosen to remain silent
as i cried out for rescue.
but He didn't. before i asked, He had already provided grace. before i needed it, He had already prepared a garment of His righteousness for me to wear.
i cannot attain true beauty or restoration. grace grants it in her own time.
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| sometimes i find myself asking God for an answer, and then looking for
it myself. i say that i need Him, but i don't sit still long
enough to appear convincing. i claim that i will follow Him no
matter the cost, but i play in my sandbox instead of venturing outside
the gates of my comfort zone. i bare my soul and talk about His
grace, but i hide behind a veil that allows me to see out but impedes
your view of who i am.
i have found myself in a place of utter desperation. i ache to
rest in Him and be filled with His peace, yet i find myself awake at
all hours with hundreds of questions to ask. it seems as though
one answer brings with it even more questions, but He is proving
Himself to be faithful. the longer i am still, the more progress
i feel i am making.
Your truth is a lamp
Your wisdom, my light
i'm seeking Your face
with intentions of finding You
i would run for a thousand years
if i knew every step would be getting me closer
i'd swim to the ocean floor
for my Lord is the treasure, my Lord is the treasure
i'm learning. i am continually amazed at how little i know, and
how much there is to be learned. i will not make Him all He needs
to be until i realize that nothing else will be enough. i cannot
change my world until i learn to step out of my sandbox and do
something real. i will not find an answer until i am desperate
enough to need Him with my entire being. seek Him and you will find
Him, when you seek Him with all your heart.
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