| | i am such a child.
i can broadcast my age, color my gray hair, and wear peep-toe heels, but the fact remains: i am not as grown up as i thought i was. i have my opinions and my monthly bills and my list of "important" things to do, but in some areas, i suppose i am just as childish today as i was 15 years ago.
i throw fits. silly ones. not the kind with stamping feet and yelling--i've grown out of those. the problem these days is the other kind. the kind where i turn my nose up and walk away, determined to end up right.
and these fits always involve God.
always.
i've known about my attitude problem for a while. my perspective has narrowed and i have come across these things that have been a bit off, and yet i chose to ignore them.
the Lord began to work on my pride and my humility several months ago. i thought He had finished. until i found myself fighting God on the smallest of things and i couldn't understand why.
until now.
i didn't get what i wanted. God chose His ways instead of mine, and, like a 4 year old, i'm angry about it. still. not the kind of anger where i yell and throw things and kick puppies, but the kind of anger where i decide i'm going to deprive God of things that belong to Him...in hopes of "teaching" Him a lesson. and after a year, i'm beginning to realize that i deprived myself of blessings He wanted to give me.
so, i find myself revisiting yesterday. it isn't quite as nice as i remembered...its more complicated now. i'm older and more cynical and wiser to the darkness that still remains inside of me.
but i think i figured out what He meant by this:
He said to them, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, to whom
you sent me to present your petition, says: 'If you stay in this land, I
will build you up and not tear you down; I
will plant you and not
uproot you, for I am grieved over the disaster I
have inflicted on
you.
Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do
not be
afraid of him, declares the LORD, for I am with you and will save
you
and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion
so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.'
Jeremiah 42:9-12
i was never more committed to the Lord and to all He asked of me than i was a year ago. and i'm beginning to understand what He was doing and where, exactly, He was asking me to stay.
in some ways, i obeyed. i didn't move.
but in the more important ways, i walked away in utter disobedience.
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| | Posted 7/2/2007 1:13 AM - 78 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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