healed_by_him's Xanga

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:16:30 GMT

i miss writing. and Jesus. and california. and playing pool.

a heart sacrifice

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:38:41 GMT

it's been a long week. really, a long month. wait...when was the last time i was on this thing? it's been a long 3 months, or whatever.

i've been overwhelmed lately by all that God has been trying to teach me. i'm obsessed with john 14 and colossians 3. words keep floating in my head...compassion, brokenness, burdens, peace.

in colossians 3, paul gives us a list of all these things to take off (anger, obscenities, etc.) and a list of things to put on (kindess, humility, compassion). we're told over and over to bear each other's burdens, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, pray without ceasing, sharpen each other as iron sharpens irons, love each other with the love of the Lord, comfort one another, and weep over the sins of the nations. i've only begun to scratch the surface of all this means for me, but this week has certainly shed new light on what compassion and brokenness really is.

i've been faced with 3 situations this last week, and have found myself weeping with tears i didn't even know i had. not the kind of tears that come when i hurt myself, or when someone hurts my feelings. but the kind of tears that come from somewhere sacred. for the first time i remember, i found myself weeping for the situations of others. i don't have anything profound to say....i'm just learning that repentance is being broken for your own sins, and compassion is more than sympathy...its brokenness over the sins of others. maybe crying for others doesn't help the situation, but it has certainly given me a new light on who Jesus really is.

on a much lighter note, God is doing something new and exciting. i'm taking this time to treasure things in my heart and to learn about wisdom and discernment and even discretion. silence and accountability are beautiful things, and i'm loving every moment. in the end, i believe God has an incredible plan, one that no one knows or understands, not even me. i'm excited to discover His steps for my life with an amazing family by my side.

so we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author
and perfector of our faith, who for the
joy set before Him, endured His the
cross, scorning its shame, and sat
down at the right hand of God.
Hebrews 12:2

tantrums, heels, and realizations

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 05:13:15 GMT

i am such a child.
i can broadcast my age, color my gray hair, and wear peep-toe heels, but the fact remains: i am not as grown up as i thought i was. i have my opinions and my monthly bills and my list of "important" things to do, but in some areas, i suppose i am just as childish today as i was 15 years ago.

i throw fits. silly ones. not the kind with stamping feet and yelling--i've grown out of those. the problem these days is the other kind. the kind where i turn my nose up and walk away, determined to end up right.

and these fits always involve God.
always.

i've known about my attitude problem for a while. my perspective has narrowed and i have come across these things that have been a bit off, and yet i chose to ignore them.

the Lord began to work on my pride and my humility several months ago. i thought He had finished. until i found myself fighting God on the smallest of things and i couldn't understand why.

until now.

i didn't get what i wanted. God chose His ways instead of mine, and, like a 4 year old, i'm angry about it. still. not the kind of anger where i yell and throw things and kick puppies, but the kind of anger where i decide i'm going to deprive God of things that belong to Him...in hopes of "teaching" Him a lesson. and after a year, i'm beginning to realize that i deprived myself of blessings He wanted to give me.

so, i find myself revisiting yesterday. it isn't quite as nice as i remembered...its more complicated now. i'm older and more cynical and wiser to the darkness that still remains inside of me.

but i think i figured out what He meant by this:

He said to them, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, to whom
you sent me to present your petition, says: 'If you stay in this land, I
will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not
uproot you, for I am grieved over the disaster I have inflicted on
you. Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do
not be afraid of him, declares the LORD, for I am with you and will save
you and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion
so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.'
Jeremiah 42:9-12

i was never more committed to the Lord and to all He asked of me than i was a year ago. and i'm beginning to understand what He was doing and where, exactly, He was asking me to stay.

in some ways, i obeyed. i didn't move.
but in the more important ways, i walked away in utter disobedience.

waking up too early

Fri, 11 May 2007 04:22:05 GMT

it was a long time ago that i met evil for the first time. i didn't recognize it at first...until it was too late. since that day, i've wondered where innocence goes when it is lost. is it like the sock in the dryer? somewhere in the universe, is there a tub of matchless socks next to a tub of stolen innocence? perhaps.

but, perhaps not. perhaps innocence is never fully lost, only dimmed a bit when evil comes around. perhaps the blood of Jesus is the key to restoring what i thought was gone. perhaps grace really is sufficient.

there comes a time when we must all face the dark memories of yesterday...but there also comes a time when we must stand up and turn on the light in order to disperse them. if those things are a foreshadowing of what it is like to be without grace, then i'll take a lifetime of memories with some grace to absolve the pain.

there is something beautiful about not being worthy...about being desperate. behind me are all the reasons of why Jesus should spend His time on someone else. but that is what makes grace so addicting: death is deserved, yet life is found. it wasn't a secret, Jesus knew ahead of time all that i would encounter...and He could have chosen to remain silent as i cried out for rescue.

but He didn't. before i asked, He had already provided grace. before i needed it, He had already prepared a garment of His righteousness for me to wear.

i cannot attain true beauty or restoration. grace grants it in her own time.

desperate

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 03:49:22 GMT

sometimes i find myself asking God for an answer, and then looking for it myself. i say that i need Him, but i don't sit still long enough to appear convincing. i claim that i will follow Him no matter the cost, but i play in my sandbox instead of venturing outside the gates of my comfort zone. i bare my soul and talk about His grace, but i hide behind a veil that allows me to see out but impedes your view of who i am.

i have found myself in a place of utter desperation. i ache to rest in Him and be filled with His peace, yet i find myself awake at all hours with hundreds of questions to ask. it seems as though one answer brings with it even more questions, but He is proving Himself to be faithful. the longer i am still, the more progress i feel i am making.

Your truth is a lamp
Your wisdom, my light
i'm seeking Your face
with intentions of finding You

i would run for a thousand years
if i knew every step would be getting me closer
i'd swim to the ocean floor
for my Lord is the treasure, my Lord is the treasure

i'm learning. i am continually amazed at how little i know, and how much there is to be learned. i will not make Him all He needs to be until i realize that nothing else will be enough. i cannot change my world until i learn to step out of my sandbox and do something real. i will not find an answer until i am desperate enough to need Him with my entire being. seek Him and you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart.

stand still

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 05:49:20 GMT

i'm in a learning mode...the kind that only comes around when the moon is blue, bringing with it an aching for yesterday...the kind i walk away from feeling older and wiser and a bit more transparent.

i'm learning that God is in all things. i'm finding Him in all that i hear...breath, laughter, song. i'm finding Him in all that i see...skies, people, the world. i'm finding Him in all that i touch...skin, piano keys, paper. i'm finding Him in all that i feel...bitterness, love, regret.

i cannot take God out of my world, i can only attempt to exclude Him. in Him, i live and move and have my being: aside from Him, i merely exist in a world that lacks beauty. without a God who pours His grace over me, i can only walk aimlessly towards what i thought i wanted to be. in Him, i find the hope of renewal and purpose.

who am i to try to define toughness by the number of tears that don't fall? who am i to move when He so clearly told me to stand still? who am i to question His intentions?

i'm learning that each moment defines me. just like a quiescent melody played on piano, each moment is intertwined with the next to weave together a song that glorifies the Lord. i am not in control of the notes i'm given, i'm simply in control of how they are played.

so close

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 16:32:54 GMT

it's been 9 years.

somehow, i never thought i'd make it this far, and i certainly never envisioned this. i guess i thought i'd figure it out. i'm learning that walking in faith isn't something you figure out, per sey, but it is something you pursue. when you don't have the faith to act, you act anyway and ask God to provide it.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever figure this whole Jesus thing out or if its one of those things where i end up standing in the same place forever...but everytime i open my eyes things look a little different because my perception changes.

i'm learning that the will of God is beautiful...beautifully crafted to meet each need and to mold every desire into something He can satisfy. how can i expect Him to fulfill an expectation that wasn't from Him in the first place? delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. the more intuned i am with God and His desire for my life, the more His desires become my own. its easy to be satisfied when i'm on the same page as my Creator.

perhaps i'll never "get it"...perhaps i'll constantly stumble and stagger...but maybe my faith will grow and strengthen. and maybe i'll come up a bit more refined each time i fall.

i'm a bit closer than i was 9 years ago. salvation is an experience, sanctification is a process...apparently a long one. my challenge for this year? to fight the apathy, find my passion, and live gloriously.

grace will erase all the stains

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 05:04:38 GMT

...you and your children take them seriously and come back
to God, your God, and obey him with your whole heart and
soul according to everything that I command you today,
God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have
compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces
from all the places where you were scattered. No matter
how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out
of there and bring you back to the land your ancestors
once possessed.
Deuteronomy 30:2-4 (The Message)

There is something about being iced in my house for days on end that forces me to think thru my life. The last few days have allowed me to quietly ponder the opportunities and lessons that life has thrown at me recently.

Tonight, I made some life changing decisions...the kind of decisions that are hard and painful...but so worth it. I'm looking forward to seeing what God does, but I must admit, I am not looking forward to the steps that must be taken. God is in control. I must remember that.

There are pieces of me scattered everywhere...pieces of my heart that I allowed to be discarded so easily. Pieces of my innocence that were stolen despite how tightly I held on or how long I tried to forget. Pieces of darkness that try relentlessly to find their way home back to a heart that longs to be holy and pure...and yet continues to battle the same wickedness and depravity that have held it hostage for far too long.

Somehow, grace always leads me home. Grace is here every morning and stays every night...it is the land that has been promised--it just waits to be claimed. Some people claim it once and consider it their's forever...others must claim it repeatedly.

I am here. I will obey Him with my whole heart and my whole soul and I choose to follow Him as He leads me. But someday, Lord, I hope to return to the land my ancestors posess. And someday, I hope to posses the same grace they do.

Wait

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 23:51:46 GMT

1.14.07
Wait
Wait for the light to fade
In hopes of hiding all these things

Push
Push thru the darkened pain
Constantly yearning to see His face

I don't know where I should go
I don't know who to show
All these things deep inside of me
I can't find a place to step
That guarantees me no regret
Right or left, Jesus, I don't know

Look
Look where you've been before
Aching to safely close that door

Move
Move onto greater things
Believing that grace will erase all stains

I don't know where I should go
I don't know who to show
All these things deep inside of me
I can't find a place to step
That guarantees me no regret
Right or left, Jesus, I don't know

I will wait for You to lead me
I will wait for You to be my strength
I will take Your hand and let You lead me home
As You calmly whisper to me

I know where you should go
I know Who to show
All those things deep inside of you
I can find a place to step
That guarantees you no regret
Right or left, I'm Jesus and I know

Move
Move onto greater things
Believing that grace will erase all stains

passing by

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 13:07:12 GMT

i am writer by nature.

let me clarify a few things about that comment:
1) i am, by no means, claiming to be a good and/or great writer.
2) by "writing" i mean anything that is written and edited before a reader enters the picture.

so, i am a writer by nature. i am better with words when i can write what i'm thinking, edit out the crap, and get to the heart of what i'm attempting to say. i have a hard time forming complete thoughts that make sense to everyone and i can't seem to get those thoughts out with unneccessary words (extra adjectives, prepositions,etc.). every so often, i get to a point where i can't even make sense when i'm writing. apparently, i'm at that point.

i'm learning the concept of seizing opportunities and the art of letting go and how to find the wisdom to choose which one to do. patience truly is a virtue...whether that is in walking away or thinking before i speak.

today, i am struck by the pain involved in new life. down the road, a woman is praying life into her precious son. only miles away, a woman is ending new life and praying that her's continues as normal. it is sadly ironic that life has been so cruel to each woman...in completely different ways. some circumstances are brought upon ourselves, and others are uncontrollable.

today, i pray for wisdom. wisdom in knowing when to speak and when not to. wisdom in knowing what to say when i do speak and what to keep to myself. and wisdom in knowing when the best thing to do is look away as the opportunity is passing by.